This is take two. Because fking xanga has no way to monitor progress and save any WIPs. This may or may not cause me to seek better alternatives. (I know, whatttt.)
I hate crying. Showing tears. Anything like that, in a sign of weakness. But at the same time, this act shows how greatly something means to you, how much it affects you. That moment of vulnerability, which is not something I necessarily enjoy showing, I guess helps add a layer of communicability.
We just had two tests this past Wednesday. A lecture exam in the morning and a lab practical in the afternoon (Early results from lecture exam say I got a 99; not bad). But I mean, having two tests on the same day was really a whatever issue. Although, it didn’t help that the night before was election night, and I love to stay up to date/current on results as they were rolling in across the nation. But having the gap that we did between exams was really nice, and most people in our class took advantage of that.
After the morning lec exam, I ended up hanging out in the resource room, where eventually about 2/3s of our lab showed up. I usually despise putting myself in an environment where others are working/studying the same thing as I, because usually the background noise and chitter chatter throws me off. Regardless, I found myself there this afternoon, which was actually kinda nice, because no one really studies the entire duration of our gap time. There were occasional tangents onto other topics, starting w/ my favorite, zomg, what kind of facial cream is she using!? (I was the only guy present w/ a table of 5 other girls. ridic). But in seriousness, the conversation eventually did steer over to what everyone was taking the class for and the like. For me, this was a pretty cool experience because I think, this is the first time that I’ve been able to hang out and talk to classmates about non-class related items.
One thing that surprised me was the fact that my being 22 wasn’t necessarily the oldest person there. I mean, I guess one of the sterotypical thought process is that cc’s have kids that come straight out of hs and older folks who’re changing careers and whatnot. Well, it seemed this class was more skewed towards the other end, with people being 24, 26, or even 29. (Not to mention an older gal who really is really annoying. Yes, I’m aware I used “really” twice.) And not to belittle the efforts of everyone here (I’m in the same boat myself), but it was nice to see that, I guess, we sorta missed the first jump, the ideal path of getting straight out of college w/ a Bachelor’s and being able to jump into grad school or a career that we wanted. And that we’re here, at a cc, trying to launch ourselves off to that point that we just couldn’t reach from where we were at prior to this point.
I was talking to the madre tonight during dinner. And I sorta broke down. In thinking about the above sentiment, in thinking about where I was, where I am, and where I’ll be, I just was distraught about the situation that I seem to have found myself in. I hate to sound like a broken record, but with all the potential and possibilities I had coming out of HS top 10 in my class, attending a prestigious university like UCLA; I s’pose theoretically, the sky was the limit. And where am I now, 5 years out of HS? At this middle ground of community college, taking extra classes, and feeling not too sure about where I’ll be next year, 3 years, 5 years down the road. I mean, yeah, I’m currently acing things here, but there’s this small little shackle around my foot called a low GPA, coupled with the other chain ball of no experience/reccomendations and whatnot. This isn’t an world ending handicap, but at the same time, having these plans be potentially delayed by the likelihood of my having to go get a PTA degree instead of being about to jump into a DPT program; it feels like a complete failure and waste of everything I’ve done the past 8 years of HS/college. I’m immensely grateful that the mother understands my frustrations, but I still feel that I’m letting the parents down, the grandparents, and ultimately myself with unfulfilled potential.
This isn’t a new thought; if you’ve read all the way down here, I’m sure you may or may not be familiar w/ other previous posts hitting on the same topic. I think I have accepted the fact that, should I eventually be able to get the stupid DPT degree, I’ll prolly be 30. Which isn’t something I envisioned coming out of HS; that I’d finally be able to start my career around that age. It’s a little slower than the average bear, but at least I guess, there is a defined path that lies ahead of me; it just isn’t necessarily happening as soon as I’d like it. And there’s also the fact that I’m still making absolutely no money while living at home and still bumming off the parentals. It’s not an ideal situation for them or myself, and it’s something I’d love to rectify sooner than later.